Nancy Rosanoff

When my youngest daughter was 17, I saw her driving around town with her friends, smoking. She saw that I saw; something she had been hiding was now revealed. Smoking was forbidden in our house, the one unacceptable behavior my husband and I had been completely clear on. Ways to “fix” the problem were lining up in my mind: taking away privileges, grounding, screaming and yelling about “how could she do this to us?”

Fortunately for us all, intuitive intelligence prevailed when I took a deep breath and realized there was nothing to “fix.” I knew that if I looked at this as a situation rather than as a problem, I would find a positive way to engage it. The only real problem was that I wasn’t getting what I wanted—she was behaving in ways that I did not approve of.

When I thought of punishing her, I realized, I felt nothing but tension—intuitive resistance. So instead I asked her some questions, which felt much more comfortable. How did she feel about it? How did she want to handle telling her father? She said that she had been thinking about quitting for the last few weeks, and now she was sure she would.

I conveyed to her that while smoking was forbidden, I was not about to stop loving her and I was pleased that she wanted to quit and would support her in any way I could. The “problem” healed itself; within a month she had stopped smoking. Had I focused on solving “the problem” by attempting to change or “fix” her behavior, the chances are she would have resisted and resented my well-intentioned actions. As it turned out, having had me see her smoking was a wake-up call for her to quit on her own.

Intuitive intelligence tells us not to attempt to “fix” things. The intuitive approach is to realize that whatever is happening, good or bad, can be seen as information. Pay attention to the information instead of to your emotional response to the situation, and the solution will come to you. Here are some guidelines for responding when faced with a situation that seems like a problem:

1. Recognize that at its core, what makes the situation a problem is that what is happening is not what you want to happen. Focusing on the “problem” and attempting to “fix” it will limit your ability to see the opportunities your intuitive intelligence is gathering.

2. Instead of “doing” something about the situation, take a breath and open your mind to new perspectives and information, details that were previously overlooked or minimized.

3. Become aware of which possible actions give you a sense of tension and which give a sense of ease. Move in the direction of ease.